Sparkey's Twin

I was perusing some blogs that I like today and returned to Arse Poetica, one of my faves. In a recent post, the canine-loving author posted a photo of one of her dogs, the close-up of her face being the spitting image of Sparkey, so much so that it made me gasp. Please go see this photo here and tell me what you think. Wow.

---Keith

Pangs

I so much wanted to see Sparkey's beautiful orange and white face when I came home today. Tina's greeting was all tail-wagging affection, and she always makes her delight in our long-awaited arrival thoroughly apparent. Still, there was a little pang in my heart when I came in the door and only one tail and set of canine eyes were there to greet me. After a hard day, coming home and realizing yet again that Sparkey is gone left me with a little feeling of emptiness, a void which I will fill with gratitude for his life and affection for Tina, our grey-coated love.

---Keith

Saying Goodbye Again and Again

Last night, we watched In America, a sweet film about an Irish couple who come to New York City with their two school-age daughters in order to escape the memories of their young son who died from cancer. Towards the end of the film, as the father comes to terms with the loss and finally is able to say goodbye to the lost child, Mary and I both tearfully said goodbye to Sparkey and took another turn towards accepting that he really is gone. Just another page in the book of Sparkey's life, his death, and his lingering presence which blesses us daily.

Another Autumnal Portrait

One Year Ago

Here's a photo of our Golden Boy one year ago, climbing our favorite small local mountain. When Sparks was a new puppyish member of our family long ago, we lived at the base of this mountain and he learned to hike off-leash in these very woods. He quickly became the kind of dog who would calmly wait for us at each fork in the path to make sure we didn't get lost. He always seemed at his happy best in the woods.....


---Keith

Arriving Home

We just arrived home from our first overnight trip away from Tina since Sparkey died. As always, trusty house-sitters stayed here with her, allowing her to be in her own environment with people who she knows well. Luckily for her and us (and previously for Sparkey) our dogs have never stayed in a kennel, always spending time at home with loving dog-sitters, even when we were gone for weeks at a time. Still, it's a historical marker which cannot be ignored.

We came home to a happy and well-adjusted girl, apparently well fed and seemingly not starving for human contact, although she was down in the basement on a beautiful late afternoon when we arrived home---a curious finding. Nonetheless, she's our best girl and we're all together again.

Now for a cozy fall evening, home at last, a candle burning on Sparkey's autumnal resting place.

A tribe of three, together again.

missing

i pause to honor keith's faithful and beautiful writing to this blog on top of his other one. mostly though, i acknowledge his continued loyatly to sparkey. keith has quietly been honoring and nurturing the parts of him that will always be true to his love for and with "sparkey d. dog". from his nightly ritual of lighting the candle and sitting in silence at the edge of the woods in sparkey's spot both in life and after death, keith has kept vigil. from his bike, in the car, at work, in our bed, keith has kept vigil in his heart and i thank him for his devotion. i am probably more deeply sorry for his loss because i am closest to it, and because it is a loss that i share deeply.

i won't go into what a pretty awful month it has been since sparkey died, which understates how our lives have been. Suffice it to say that i have struggled and grieved more than i imagined i would---even though i could barely imagine life without Sparkey's simple and reliable, gentle and comforting presence. i miss that dog so much, and even though there has been somewhat of a pall over our home as we have experienced much sadness of late, we remember to give and receive plenty of tender lovin' care with our girl Tina. She is doing better than all of us combined--or so it seems. and this is a great comfort in a time of needing just that. so thanks to Tina too!

in gratitude for my amazing housemates, lifemates and soulmates!

ahoy to you, maties!

all my love,

mary

A Full Month

Here we are, the 2nd of October, marking a full month since Sparkey's passing. I note that my recovery is slow, and I am definitely experiencing some level of anhedonia on a daily basis. It's time to put more energy into healing and moving on, not just holding on.

Out at Sparkey's grave at sunset, I had a talk with him. I told him that my nightly candle-lighting may become something I begin to do when I am moved to do so, not merely as a habit or ritual. I will continue to honor him by trying to heal, to move forward, to allow myself to embrace joy again, even in his absence. I know that he would want me to be joyful---as I believe he is now, himself---and my ability to continue to embrace life is a testament to all he taught me during our thirteen years together. He was the embodiment of being in the present, and now my task at hand is to do the same, not dwelling in the past and longing for what is no more. This is a difficult lesson.

My grieving for Sparkey has opened other wounds, other longings, and the time has come to welcome it all, embrace it all, and find a way to allow those losses to integrate into my life, into my heart, and transform into joy again.

The operative question is, how?

---Keith