Sunday, August 20, 2006

Hello, its Mary, Sparkey's finder, rescuer, and pack mother. I am pokin' my head in and making a rare appearance--visible to others, that is.

After Keith's last and deeply moving post, I knew it was time to return here myself. I know I have been remiss in writing, but i do visit Sparkey's blog daily...i suppose i haven't been into writing but lately i have been feeling the itch to share some Sparkey stories...Most importantly is the love that is shared among our pack, and i treasure each and every day we have with the 4 and often 5 of us all together.

I promise to post some happy stories, but today i am experiencing the sadness of loss regarding our loyal old pal--the loss of his senses, his agile physical abilities, his avid and voracious appetite, those buff muscles keith referred to, and our adventures in the great outdoors---Sparkey's favorite place in the whole wide world. This morning he refused to lick Keith's yogurt container and he barely sniffed with dim interest at a huge beef jerky strip that, in healthier days, he would have fought to secure for himself. It was as though he was telling me that he wanted to want this treat, but he is just too weak to rally. I understood and stashed it for later within his visual range, assuring him that it is his for later...A bit after Tina devoured hers, I offered this special treat again to Bob, and he managed to slowly relish the beef jerky. He's now returned to sleep--and is quite the deep napper these latter days.

I am reminded by his deep sleeps how much work it can be to prepare for death, the great passage, and that this is precisely what his body is doing, like that song Old Man River, but without the fear. Sparkey is doing this so well, and he will forever be an example to me.

I have some fears though, questions that plague me like, will he suffer? will we be there to end his suffering? will the doctor be able to make it on time? will Rene? how devestating will Spark's death and post death absence be on Keith? on Rene? Somehow I fancy that I will be fine, just fine...which of course is a red flag and I am thus awakened from a pervasive denial that I've been running... Its no wonder that i have been somewhat stoic and even avoidant...I have refused to do Sparkey's IV--and rarely participate in it when i could be there for both Keith and Sparkey during the process. Keith has been a saint in this regard, and I have been a coward, and coward is a word that does not fit with how i see myself, yet here i am, guilty as charged, and for this I am sorry, Keith and Sparkey. I think I have been avoiding feeling the pain that has now caught up to me. Please forgive me, you two, and as you see, Keith, I have my limits, and rather than stretch beyond them as is my usual MO, I have slinked out on you both. Again, please forgive me for copping out in this important, life-saving daily ritual.

While I have been a pathetic wimp in regards to the IV, I am still Spark's pack mom, and he will always be my boy. I know he can't hear me crying right now, or he would begin pacing and personalizing my distress. Usually Tina comes to the emotional rescue to comfort someone who is feeling sad, but even my girl is deep in slumber on this cloudy August morning. I hear the rustling of Rene in the kitchen and will rally to provide a dog day afternoon for us all...



Keith, RN said...

Keith here. If Mary is anything at all, she is courageous. She is the personification of courage, of survival, of nurturing, of magic on earth. Her love of Sparkey and Tina is a beautiful thing to behold, and she has given those dogs so much love, so much tenderness and joyful moments. Coward? No. Weak? No. Strong, dependable, loving, and courageous? Yes, yes and yes.

Mary, there is nothing to be sorry for, nothing lacking. All is as it should be, and you are all you need to be, my dear.

Blue Spectral Eagle said...

thanks for your blog about sparky. i had been wondering how he is getting along. being someone who is experienced with death from persons close, it seems to me that you all and sparking will be very prepared when the time comes. it will be sad, i'm sure, but i believe it will be a time of great peace and wholeness of spirit. in this way he will leave your souls filled, perhaps more than you realize.

love, rickyG

melissa said...

I agree with Keith...coward is never a word I would choose for a woman so dedicated to her passions and her loves. Thank you for bringing tears to my eyes yet again...